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I Miss Everyone At Once But Most Of All—

 

name a mistake & i’ll tell you if i’ve made it / they were all so beautiful i could write a song or paint a mural / or cross stitch them into the world’s largest & most uncomfortable pillow / & i will give you that pillow because i am a taurus / & you deserve everything.

i don’t know how time zones work or why they hurt / i rarely answer the phone / instead i make lists— / ugly hawaiian shirt / turbulence / old man coughing loudly / sometimes i adjust my glasses when they aren’t there.

if this plane dove i wouldn’t pay attention to whose face i saw first / instead i’d hear every color & feel every sound at once / remember any trans person who has smiled / & every scratch my cat left on me / & i know the ocean will grow hands to hold me—

cold & safe like my mother’s when i reached / across my brother to hold them as she cried in the back of a cab / the ocean will grow hands to hold me & i still have trouble sleeping / since i realized that any picture i take of water is different / the ocean / grew hands to hold me the last time i saw my grandfather & when i say last time

i mean remember when he held me with everything he had left in him like the ocean? the woman in the room across from his was yelling hadi gelcome on now come on to no one in particular over & over until the birds started to repeat her.

he was all bone & fake teeth & i could’ve sworn i felt something between us like a wave of relief.

 

beyza ozer is a queer/trans/Muslim writer, editor, and artist. beyza's work has appeared in and is forthcoming from The Offing, Vinyl, and the anthologies Subject To Change: Trans Poetry and Conversation (Sibling Rivalry 2017) and Halal If You Hear Me (Haymarket 2019). beyza is the author of FAIL BETTER (Fog Machine 2017) and they are a recipient of the Windy City Times 30 Under 30 Award. beyza is Social Media Coordinator of YesYes Books and Social Media Manager of Belt Magazine. They serve as Manuscript Editor of Critical Inquiry in Chicago where they live with their partner and cat.