People buy guns / today someone bought a gun / at the same moment / I got groceries / the same moment / I got off / today I masturbated because I didn’t know / what else to do / because I was alone / in a way that felt / worse than usual / I am clinging to myself / to my self-imposed deadlines / to write / to mop the kitchen / the promises I make to myself / the promises I want to make / to someone else / when my hand / was in my shorts / it felt like everything and nothing / all at once / when I closed my eyes there was nothing / good to think about / the high of the orgasm / hardly worth it / when I remembered / the last person who touched me / the way I love her / the way I miss her / empty nightstand drawer / I have no toys / my exes have them / mostly little things / bullets / I use my hands / for myself / flat bike tire / noisy box fan / leaky dishwasher / things I’ve fixed / things I’ve broken / I am broken / in a way / that all of us are / in a way there’s sort of / not words for / I have touched a real gun exactly / one time / touched it real gentle / like I loved it / and feared it / ran one finger slowly / along the silver barrel / it wasn’t loaded / yet / my ex’s father had a gun collection / he was proud to show me this newest one / whatever kind it was / it laid there on the kitchen table / he died / not from guns / from alcohol / there was fresh deer meat in his freezer / the day his girlfriend found him / dead on the living room floor / I read a poem about a gun / maybe it was a news article / how even the talk / of a gun ban / made people more afraid / how everyone wanted to get their hands / on a gun / before they couldn’t / when my hand was in my shorts / there was so much / I couldn’t touch

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