Sometimes when injecting testosterone into my body
I recollect my grandmother face
The gardenia blossoms of her cheekbones waft through my memories
Rue dripping from her voice as she tells me that my breasts are beautiful
That my hourglass frame was forged by gods and who am I to shatter it
Who am I to stand in a shrine and feel revulsion
Feel that there are no gods left for me in my own body
Sometimes when injecting testosterone
I feel guilty
For having been given something by god and having it not be enough
Sometimes I wonder how I have the audacity to build my own altar
To face deity within myself and know
that he deserves more than just afterlife in his own body
I deserve more than just an afterlife in my own body
And I will build it
One injection at a time
Wash your hands
Disinfect bottle and point of entry
Unpack syringe and injection needle
Draw testosterone to third notch on syringe
(Secret:
Draw only to second notch. Remove needle from bottle.
Pull plunger down to the third notch, to get extra testosterone)
Switch out the drawing needle for injection needle
(Twist, don’t pull)
Grab the disinfected part of your stomach
(Always choose the squishiest part)
Inject the testosterone
(the magic, the healing, the beginning)
Hold tissue over the injection site
(Close your eyes, wonder if this counts as prayer)
Dispose of syringe and needle
(Thank them)